The Letting Agency (by Eric Wheeler)
Apologies to Monty Python and their fans.
(Eric and Sarah Catherine walk in the door)
SC: Good Morning.
Agent: Good morning. Welcome to 4 Corners Relocation!
Eric: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Agent: What can I do for you?
Eric: Well, we just flew into London from Chicago and were hoping to find a new abode.
Agent: Abode, sir?
SC: A domicile if you will, sir.
Agent: Eh?
SC: We need a place to live!
Agent: Oh, you’re looking for a flat!
Eric: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little dwelling in Notting Hill will do the trick," so, I sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the leasing of a warm, cozy apartment!
Agent: Come again?
SC: We want to rent a flat.
Agent: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
Eric: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Agent: Sorry?
SC: He likes the tunes!
Agent: So he can go on playing, can he?
Eric: Most certainly! Now then, a home please, my good man.
Agent:(lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
SC: How about a little townhouse in Notting Hill with a 30 minute commute to my husband’s office.
Agent: I'm a-fraid that’s going to cost about $13,000 per month, ma’am.
Eric: Ok, never mind, how are you on ground floor flats?
Agent: I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, they’re listed new on Monday.
Eric: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, what about a place with a lift, if you please.
Agent: Ah! I’ve been waiting for these listings, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting them this morning.
Eric: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, first floor?
Agent: Sorry, sir.
SC: Basement?
Agent: Normally, ma’am, yes. Today I’ve misplaced the listings.
Eric: Ah. What if we look in Shepherd’s Bush?
Agent: Sorry.
SC: Holland Park
Agent: No.
Eric: Anything in Putney Bridge, per chance.
Agent: No.
Eric: St. John’s Wood?
Agent: No.
SC: Parson’s Green?
Agent: No.
SC: Kensington?
Agent: No.
Eric: Victoria, Pimlico, Gloucester Road, Knightsbridge, South Kensington?
Agent: No.
SC: West Kensington, perhaps?
Agent: Ah! We have a ground floor flat in West Kensington, yes ma’am.
Eric:(suprised) You do! Excellent.
Agent: Yes sir. It's... ah,... the layout is a bit strange...
Eric: Oh, I don’t mind weird layouts.
Agent: Well... It's quite bizarre, actually, sir.
SC: No matter. Fetch hither the flat of the Royal Borough of West Kensington! Mmmwah!
Agent: I...think it's a stranger layout than you'll like, ma’am.
Eric: I don't care how freakish it is! Let me see it with all speed.
Agent: Oooooooooohhh...!
SC: What now?
Agent: The landlord has accepted another offer.
Eric: Has he.
Agent: She, sir.
(pause)
SC: What about a mews house?
Agent: No.
Eric: What if we increase our budget?
Agent: No.
SC: Perhaps unfurnished?
Agent: No.
SC: What about a longer commute?
Agent: No.
Eric: You... do have some flats, don't you?
Agent:(brightly) Of course, sir. It's a letting agency, sir. We've got...
Eric: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Agent: Fair enough.
Eric: Uuuuuh, Westminster.
Agent: Yes?
SC: Ah, well, let’s have a look at it!
Agent: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, then. Mister Westminster, that's my name.
(pause)
Eric: Earl’s Court?
Agent: Uh, not as such.
SC: Uuh, Bayswater?
Agent: No
SC: High Street Kensington?
Agent: No
Eric: Sloane Square?
Agent: Nothing at the moment, sir, no.
(pause)
SC: Aah, how about Chelsea?
Agent: Well, we don’t have any listings because it isn’t very popular with our clients, ma’am.
Eric: Not very popular? It's the single most famous neighborhood in the world!
Agent: Not 'round here, sir.
Eric: And what IS the most popular neighborhood 'round hyah?
Agent: Fulham, sir.
Eric: Is it?
Agent: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
SC: Is it?
Agent: It's our number one most popular area, ma’am!
SC: I see. Uuh...Fulham, eh?
Agent: Right, ma’am.
Eric: All right. Okay. 'Have you got a place in Fulham?' he asked, expecting the answer "no".
Agent: I'll have a look, sir... ...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Eric: It's not much of a letting agency, is it?
Agent: Finest in the district!
Eric: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Agent: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Eric: It's certainly uncluttered by real estate listings...
Agent: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Baron’s Court, sir.
SC: Would it be worth it?
Agent: Could be....
Eric: Have you - SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
Agent: Told you sir....
Eric: (slowly) Have you got anything Baron’s Court?
Agent: No.
Eric: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Agent: Yes sir?
Eric: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flats here at all.
Agent: Yes, sir.
Eric: Really?
(pause)
Agent: No. Not really, sir.
Eric: You haven't.
Agent: No sir. Not a parcel. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Eric: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Agent: Right-Oh, sir.
(Eric takes out a gun and shoots the Agent)
Eric: What a senseless waste of human life.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
If this actuary stuff doesn't work out maybe you can be a screen writer...I SOOO wish I had been there! Would you 2 come to my sales meeting and let us act this out for the agents at my office?
So you found the Grail and you weren't hit by a flying cow!
Eric you are very funny. We had a good laugh. We miss you guys!
I am CRYING LAUGHING - this is the best read I've had in a long while!! Praise jesus for the new digs. Your flat-hunting process was very similar to mine 3 years ago. It is enough to make you want to drink hot toddies all day long! Love you guys, Tina
Ha Ha Ha. So funny Lauren almost laughed. She says "hi" to Brooks. Or is it "good day?!"
SO glad you posted this. I had a good laugh before bed.
(Of course, then I had to look up the cheese shop sketch on YouTube. And then get distracted by the Dead Parrot skit....)
Can't wait to see photos of the new place!
eric should write here more often--freakin' hilarious!! i could even hear the accent.
Post a Comment