Coming Home from Notting Hill Gate

*** So this blog entry is neither funny, nor beautiful, nor filled with photos of our toddler. Instead it reflects a lot of my thoughts and feelings over the last 9 days. Feel free to skip over this one, but I want to be able to share the good and the bad here, equally...

Last Monday night, Brooks and I were in a restaurant in our neighborhood, picking up carry-out to take home, when I had a very unfortunate interaction with a stranger. My first impression of this person was that he was "not quite right", but he didn't appear homeless, so a part of me chided myself not to be judgmental. (Perhaps he was just socially awkward?) However, as I sat by the door awaiting my meal, he started talking to me and I quickly realized, no this guy is not alright. I tried to ignore him, choosing to interact with Brooks instead, but he would not be put off easily. After enduring ten minutes or so of this very forced, disjointed, one-sided conversation, a young restaurant employee came over and asked me quietly "are you okay?". I shook my head slightly, wanting her to step into the situation and help me deal with this person who clearly wasn't a customer. I mean, how was I supposed to ask him to leave me alone in a public place?

Unfortunately, my order was ready at that very moment, so the employee escorted him out precisely as Brooks and I were heading for the door. In one rushed moment, I was on the street and looking this man straight in the face. Now, the person who seemed strange, awkward and maybe a bit delusional in the safety of the restaurant, suddenly became a lot more scary. It was probably there all along, but when he started drooling and speaking with a lot more intensity, I felt my whole body stiffen. It was a busy sidewalk, I knew I wasn't in physical danger, as he surely wouldn't lay a hand on me with dozens of commuters in full-view. But it was night-time, and we were exhausted and I didn't know how to ditch this man who now seemed intent to follow me wherever I was going. I turned towards our home and started walking quickly away, trying to lose him. He began telling me he was in love me and was never going to leave me. He ran and caught up with me, his words more persistent - didn't I remember him?!? he was from New York and we were old friends! He was in love with me! I was the most attractive woman. My child was so beautiful and he would grow to be such a good boy... On, and on, and on. I hate to even remember it all.

Multiple times, I told him to go away, to leave me alone, that I didn't want to talk to him. He wasn't asking me for food or money - he had shown me a 50 pound note in his pocket as we sat in the restaurant. He was just more and more determined to engage with me. At one point I shouted, GO AWAY, so he walked ahead of me just a few paces then turned to leer at me as Brooks and I caught up and tried to squeeze by him. I was starting to feel a bit desperate for help as we passed by each storefront. I knew we had to turn down our street soon, and I really didn't want him to follow us home!

About that time a young business man whisked by us, heard me raise my voice towards the guy and turned back around. He came and put himself in between us and created a barrier without actually laying a hand on him. He forced the guy to continue walking forward, telling him to "move along". I immediately stopped pushing the stroller and just stood on the sidewalk watching and shaking, thinking how grateful I was that someone had noticed, that he had decided to act on my behalf, that he chosen to get involved. About that same time, a car horn honked next to me - a woman on the street had rolled down her car window and was calling out to me "Are you okay?" Apparently she had been at the nearby stoplight and had seen the situation unfold. "He's been following you for ages" she said... She tried to offer me a ride on the spot, but she was driving the smallest car I had ever seen in my life (a literal two seater with zero trunk, it was half the size of a Cooper Mini). There was no way I could get me and Brooks and his stroller into her car, but just being asked if I was okay was enormously powerful. I started crying right there on the street, shaken but relieved at the same time. My guard just slipped down and I let myself feel the fear and frustration of the moment.

Realizing that I still had to get home, I thanked her for her kindness, told her I'd be okay, and continued on. The business man had propelled the crazy guy up several blocks ahead of me, and then turned down his own street - He was half a block down a side street when I shouted "thank you!!" to him as I hurried along home. He turned and waved in response. Just one block from my turn, I saw Mr Crazy again, this time at a bus stop trying to get a cigarette or some attention from those who were waiting. I just put my head down and practically ran right past him, pushing the stroller ahead of me and praying that he didn't notice us. We made it to the corner and I looked back, grateful that we apparently didn't catch his eye.

As I walked (ran) the remaining two or three blocks home, I started to feel absolutely crazy. Turning to look back over my shoulder constantly, tears flowing, I was completely flustered. I have never been so grateful to turn the key in my lock and close the door behind me, drawing our curtains shut and turning on every light in the house. Our flat felt like Fort Knox to me! Eric was returning late from a business trip that night, so I knew that I had the evening at home by myself. Brooks and I ate a quick dinner, zipped through his bedtime routine and I crawled into my jammies and bed.

I tried to analyze my feelings that evening, but I think I made more progress in the days following this incident. I've thought a lot about why that situation was so unsettling - I mean I've been around so many unbalanced street people before... In fact, I was even followed in London once before, when I was living here as a young single woman 10 years ago. Why was *this* interaction so frightening?

I've decided that it comes down to this - I felt so very powerless because I was with Brooks. I was the one responsible for him and I had to look out for him above my own needs. Before when I was followed, I was alone. I could slip into a store or jump on a bus, or try to outrun the guy or get lost in a crowded tube station, no problem. Now, I can't just worry about myself - I have to think of my son, first and foremost. That responsibility felt immensely important in the moment, and it made me realize my own vulnerability.

Eric and I have been ending our evenings by reading a Psalm together before bed. I was so grateful for the Words of God to focus on when I was afraid that night and they come back to me as I remember His love and protection...

I will lie down and sleep in peace for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4)

The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid? When evil men advance against me... my heart will not fear... even then I will be confident. (Psalm 27)

I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. (Psalm 34)

I'm not trying to be a "super-Christian" or whatever about this situation, but these words did bring me real peace. Of course I know that I have to be vigilant, I have to be careful and wise. But I'm grateful that the Lord knows my days. And He is protecting Brooks just as He protects me. He wasn't surprised by this man and He has saved me from far worse threats. Ultimately, Brooks and I (and all His children) are safe with Him. I can rest in that assurance.